Universe in one hand

GA NA DA RA MA BA SA A. It took me one week to write and memorize this eight letters in Korean. One week to find one point writing this letters without looking at them turning up side down. One week to find the equilibrium in this letters to have them straight. God created the earth in six days and rested in the seventh while I learned eight letters in Korean. I feel powerful.

Broken nail

Famous quote not saying what it means for real. Confusion sight. More question marks. A girl's laughter asking for attention. Lips colored red to be seen. Sadness of people walking by without noticing what is needed. Watching one foot at a time each step taken. With no sense of direction at all. And we all say we do not go where we want to. Good at pointing a finger and not knowing the four fingers pointing back on us. Easily forgetting the Karma.

I am doing as I am told

A nice weird day. Every time I turned my head my eyes caught flashes of symbolic images. Semblances of information that are poking the sleepy little me. Her eyes are open. Watching. But still with the blanket around her. What do I do to make her get up ask the adult me while enjoying her glass of amarone della Valpolicella 2010 figuring out the how. Have another glass of your favorite red wine answers the little me. And the adult me is agreeing.

Absolut

Sunday night feeling like drinking vodka to let out the last cry of my heavy heart. A cry that will make me stand up on my feet again. A clear 60% of alcohol that will be my helper to slap my other cheek. A slap that will put all the displaced puzzle even more displaced and maybe it will give me any idea how to take small steps forward. But then again being responsible is winning. The adult me is having the last word. The vodka has to wait.

Bulldozer

"You are not alone but you want to be alone" With this words you tore my thick wall around me down.

Dipsy exceed

Feeling disoriented. Classical music played by a piano. Feeling in love with powerful emotion by the provocateur fingers of the piano player. Beautifully. Its rhythm takes me deep into the uncontrollable dizziness. Amazed by human beings. Its capacity. Its will for knowledge. Again amazed by human beings. Its ability to destroy. Its envious. With one syllable so powerful that can break my twilight journey and pull me back to reality.

Sliding doors

I know you. I have seen you three times already. Twice in a dream. Once when I had a high fever, alone and just moved in a new apartment. You were sitting by the foot of my bed watching me for three days. And I saw you today. Alive. You looked at me as if you knew me as well. And am I curious enough to ask you questions? I guess not because I did not do anything to approach you. And I guess neither do you.

Unilinear

Five months until today I have been cuddling with my sweet blanket melancholia. I had my mind brainstorming of the why. I feel living a life with no sense. And I can not do anything about it for now to change because of independency and security. This is my adult me doing. So my eight year old me took the melancholia blanket out and slept. Today I opened my eyes and learned that having no sense in action living life is colorful. An example of this is being in bed drinking instant coffee and eating two donuts filled with raspberry jam 00.27 am. It does not make sense but I am feeling like a queen.

ABZ

I would like to have. I would like to be. We are so good on expressing our desires. Not using should because it points out the must. Would is indirect future and we can easily escape when we chicken out. And then we have could. That is to ask permission of possibilities and already awaiting the answer no we are so afraid to receive. I should not if I could and I would.

True color of the sky

My generosity is putting a hand on my left shoulder to console me. Saying "It is not your fault that a person is incapable of receiving kindness". My disappointment is laughing on my face saying "I told you so". And I said to both of them "And it will not be the last time".

Pinky toe

Alone I am born and alone I will die. Still I am alone already. I have the why questions to be thankful to. Those questions should not exist. Why questions are not oneself alone that can answer. And being less courageous enough I will not have them solved. They are the ones that make me alone go in circle. They created my alone bubble. They created my wall of protection. They are the reason I am isolated and not able to live my life vividly full. But I am secured. And my breathing is getting shorter. What would happen if I change the why questions to how? Why questions have negative sense and gives a red light. How questions have a positive cling on it and maybe will not give you a green light but a yellow yes. Why am I useless? How can I make myself useful? Why am I unhappy? How can I make myself happy? Why do I want to cry? How should I cry?

Marble scars

Maybe I am too hard to myself. How? I do not understand in what way. Maybe it is not the hardship but it is the lack of knowledge how to live my life as an adult while my heart and mind is still when I was forced to stop being a child. And today I do not know where to start.

Incompetent tears

Hopeless emptiness. Vacant heart. Unreasonable ears. Useless hands. Heavy stoned feet. Slow moving brain. Snow blind eyes.

You are I am

Mother. Father. I remember the hardship to be the first born female in my island. With father that was afraid of responsibilities and mother that took the role of bringing food to our table. I never understood why they got married and had four children because they could never be in the same room without arguing. I hate arguing and most of all, I do not know how to. I watched my parents having their discussions. Listened to their discussions. Having my heart pained because of their discussions. The discussions were so involved in their lives as if it was a must to be able to near to each other. What could have happened if they could sit down and just have a normal dialog? I remember very well my biological father. The scars he gave me that made me who I am today. I am trying to forgive him but I accepted that I can not. He thought me pain, loneliness and to lie. My mother was concentrated on giving us the best future and gave me the responsibility to the back pack she was carrying. She showed me pain, loneliness and how to lie.

The door made a hole in my hand

It is amazing how one hour and a half drive can make difference of environment. I am not talking about the landscape but people. St. Moritz rigid and distance while Livigno relaxing and eye contact. Today the passage was closed so we had to take the private owned tunnel and it costed thirty eight swiss franc return ticket exclusively to drive through. And it was worth it. For me all was so surrealistic with long tunnel and seeing the light at end of the tunnel to my small dozes of run away hours like this. It made me reminded how freedom is no money access. Janis Joplin was right when singing Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. And the only one that put oneself in prison is oneself. But being a coward we stay put and be prisoned.

Twinkle little star

My sister. She was born eight years later after me. I longed so much to have her in my life because being a female it was not easy to be welcomed to play with my brothers. During that time I was enrolled in a private school for girls. One day in 1983 when I went home during lunch break, I saw a cradle in the middle of our living-room. It was her. Finally I thought. I was not alone anymore. She was the cutest child I have ever seen with her cheeks big and red as apples. Her skin was so soft and delicate. When she cried everybody was ready to climb the highest mountain to get the moon for her. Little brother was her bodyguard nr. one. He did not allowed anybody to come near her. One needed to ask his permission to touch her cheeks. She brought the happiness and laughter in our house. She was so beautiful and I was enchanted by her beauty. Little brother gave her the nickname Boning-ning meaning the twinkle of the star.

Happy Sunday

Today is Sunday. And it the first time I am having a day-off after a whole month. A day full of luxury. Waking-up without the alarm. Breakfast in bed. Reading my book. Nap time. Watching movies. And now I will start cooking dinner. I will do a Korean style dinner with plenty of side dishes and enjoy the Amarone for aperitivo while cooking. I am happy.

White and blue stripe

I am a very curious person. And I experiment a lot. Specially if I get to know myself better. Going through my notebooks of "knowledge about me" today I got an eye of 3.2012. I remember that day I have read how to talk to the child ME. It made me ask who was the adult ME and why she is the way she is. So I did the experiment. It was simple. With my right hand I wrote questions to ask the child Me and with the left hand I wrote the answer of the child Me. I started. Hello, how are you? I am ok. I feel safe today. I am happy where I am. I am crawled in the corner where I can touch the wall. When I feel the wall then I am safe. Is it dark where you are? No, it is not. It is nice to hear this. Are you tired? Yes, I am tired. Why don’t you close your eyes and get some rest? I am sitting down in a crawled position to be able in a space where is no light. The light is getting bigger and stronger so I am putting all my energy to not be touched by it. That is why I am tired. Why are you afraid of the light? I am not afraid of it. I see it all the time. I just have not been touched by it. So I do not know it. Are you cold? No, I am wearing a dress, white and blue stripe, sleeveless and above knee long. No socks and it is fine because it is warm here. But the wall is cold. And you need to touch the wall to feel safe? Yes. And the wall is cold? Yes, very. So, you are cold? Yes. I am sorry. Me too. That day I had a long conversation with child Me. We are holding hands since then.

A bowl of rice

Tonight I had the rice night with my friend Isaac. It is a dinner based on rice. He is a top chef here in St. Moritz and he feeds me very well. Specially for days now that I do not feel the hunger and I do not eat. So I brought a bottle of white wine with me that he appreciate for the dinner. We talked. He makes me feel very comfortable. We talked about life, moon and stars. When his husband came home from work we drank the tasteful Ron Zacapa 23 yrs old. It is my favorite. In a small amount I can feel the warmth of being human being. And the conversation change to common. Gone with the intimacy of dialog. On my way home I listened to Etta James. Cry like a rainy day. That would be a button to recharge the battery. Thank you, thank you, thank you for blessing me with all surprising gifts that makes me realize how beautiful life is.

Unlucky enough to be loved

Love is when you have happiness and sadness in your heart. I am loved. Because I am happy to be warm when outside is cold, I can eat whatever I want to eat, I am tired because I worked so hard today, I am satisfied because I did my best, I am smiling because I am reading a book where I learn something from, I am free because I am not friend with complaints, I am safe because I have my bubble, I am rested because I do not remember my dreams at night. But I am sad because it is always quiet by the dinner table.

The green

I was born in an island in South east asia where mango plants grow as grass in a park. Guava trees behind our house where I use to sit and have my quality time for myself. Coconut trees reach the sky. Different kind of bananas: the ones that you have to cook before eating, long and green bananas that took me forever to finish eating, petite and sweet ones and of course the Chiquitas. I loved when it was rainy season. Listening to the radio about love stories while it was raining was my favorite moment. Then came the thunder. I did not like the thunder. It scared me. It sounded like heaven was angry with me. An older woman said that when the thunder comes I needed to cover the mirrors in the house because they welcome the thunder in. And we had a lot of mirrors. One musical instrument that was a must in every houses was the guitar. Either you play the guitar or you sing. I did not play it so I sung. I thought I sung good until I attended a song contest and ended last. Today with both ears operated it got even worse that I can not even listen to myself singing under the shower. The mentality in my island about animals was not to befriended with. Animals were animals. We had monkeys that used to clean my hair from lice, water buffalos that took their time whatever they were doing, snakes came out from the sacks, chicken underneath our house, pigs that ate our left overs, cats that got pregnant everyday and dogs without name was the reason of the feast with music and laughter. My island is mixed culture from Buddhism to Muslim. Sundays during my first 12 years in this life was in the church. Mornings in my mothers church that was protestant and afternoons to evening in my fathers church that was Catholic. I attended their Sunday schools and read the bible twice. I was there physically but never really in present. I took it for granted. It was an obligatory. I had no choice. I did not learn anything.

Invisible border

Somebody told me today that my style of clothing is transgressive. I thanked the person. I took it as a compliment. Being transgressive meaning going beyond the limit. And how can I go beyond the limit when I do not see any?

The fourth door

I am uncomfortable with fireworks. It is not the fireworks itself that I dislike but the people with no discipline who set it on fire who do not respect the where and when. Fireworks brings me back to my war years of having a bazooka in front of our main house door, siren sounds in the middle of the night, guns on the chair, hand grenade in a child small hands, bags of clothes next to the bed, dead body flouting on the red blooded river and the heart pain of worrying about my first father and big brother the day after of the siren. Today is the Orthodox new year and here in St. Moritz Russians celebrate it well. 22.00 hours in the middle of the frozen lake they set the fireworks. Knowing that it is done from one place and in an open space in which no one will be harmed I put on my moon boots, jacket, hat and gloves to go out and let the memories of fright tickle my dna.

Moloch

One of the christmas gift that my step daddy gave me when I was a child was a teddy bear. He was almost as big as me at that time. Without noticing I stopped to write dairies because every night in silence I let my feelings to Honom. I put my head where his heart was to cry, I hold his ears when I was happy, I faced his back when I was angry, I punched him when I was frustrated, I looked in his eyes when I was feeling lonely, I hold his feet when I was bored and I sat in a distance from him when I did not feel anything. I thought that was a process of being a child and until now when I go home at my mothers house I find him waiting for me with open arms and I put my head where his heart is to cry my broken heart, I hold his ears to tell him my happiness, I face his back to say bad words, I give him punches to unblock myself, I look in his eyes to thank him for not living me, I hold his feet to describe my excitement and I sit in a distance from him when I do not feel anything.

Little eight years old me

How can one know when one is clueless. Like an idiot taking steps round and round. Never minding the circle. Feeling straight. Smooth as an eggshell. Feet takes wrong steps. Falls. Sitting down questioning the miss step. Feeling gloomy. Dizzy. Blurred. Tears. Another temptation to stand-up. Weak. Remaining down. Cry. One tear. Two tears. Thousand tears. Sobs. Shaking the head. Surrendering to the pain. Knees bleeding. Blood. Enjoying the fall. Because you know that this fall has thought you something. You know what later in years when you connect the dots.

The next hour

Finally, brain is agree with the heart. Both are saying the same information from the stars. I know what I need to do. Time for me to take the act. The time is now. Heart is telling me: I have guided you to your destiny and you are already in the right timeline of your life to take what is yours for real. Your time of rest is over. Get up and start walking. Brain is telling me: I will be here to choose the right consequence with you and before all please choose the right shoes because it will be a long and hard walk.

Without words

Blossom as the first flower in the springtime. Pink as cheeks blushes. Shyness hiding the flame. Flames that brights red deep within. Longing for touch. The heat that burns the soul. Smiling at light raining over the clouds underneath the divine. Violet darken when secrets remains for oneself. Alone smiles for knowing the details of gray nuance. Movement of slow motion in harmony with equilibrium of eternity. Forever lasting the flames. Orange goes to blood red of wanting. Stops. Pauses. Eyes searching. Of what attracts the third.

Five steps

Having control over your emotions in some situation is well done. But when it becomes a personality is like being in a deep well looking up hoping that somebody would need water. It takes years to train yourself to control the emotions. I started when I was 8 years old. I was forced to. Years pass by and now it is eating me because emotions should be free. Is it an egoistic gesture toward people around me? Today I had a lovely day with full sun shining so bright and warming. I wanted to see the sunset and before that I wanted to listen to the silence. I did not think where to go. I just started to walk and found myself in the woods. There were no birds singing, no wind whispering, no people chatting. There were just only me and the silence. I sat down in a bench to take it all in. Once sitting down I realize that I was feeling blank, empty. My brain started to ask questions to my heart to activate it but failed. I looked around, I got up on my feet and continued walking. Ending up by the frozen lake, sun was going down and I saw people walking in the middle of the lake. Without thinking I went there to be one of them. To have some thing in common with others and that is having a walk on a frozen lake. Sun was setting. I arrived in the middle of the lake and wanted to have that moment for myself, alone and did not want to share it with others. I decided to take five steps off the track. Five steps to be alone with a 360° panorama postcard my eyes to capture. Five steps to thank the sun for today. Five steps was innocent and it would not harm me. Five steps. Those five steps unravel my lined emotions. Under my feet I heard the ice move. That instant I thought of lips touching each other for the first time that makes your heart sing.

Promises.

So many boxes to open. So many questions to answer. So many emotions to handle. And nobody to talk to. And if you do not mind I will bother you with my thoughts. I am sorry and most of all I thank you.